[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.