no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
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I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!