I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF