Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Wednesday
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”