shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
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Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?