“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
*feels the wind in my toe hair
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.