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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*