“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
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Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My sex drive has a dui
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.