It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man