That’s a good costume, I hope.
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Thoughts
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.