I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
You Might Also Like
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window