her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*