Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Pandas 🐼🖤
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”