Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.