Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
You Might Also Like
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
crying
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.