Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.