My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
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Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
he was correct
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Good boy 😂😂
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.