The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
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How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad