How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Skills
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
some Old Testament wisdom
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!