I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
getting groceries
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?