Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
these two trucks have the same bed length
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.