The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
You Might Also Like
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Coffee for people with no kids
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital