While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes