Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.