My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!