Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You Might Also Like
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[montage of me giving-up]
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.