Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
lmao
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
pls suprot
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Kids, do not try this at home!