The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.