Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I have a type: disappointing
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?