Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
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Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Important reminders
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
New mindset, who dis?
Sniffing the broccoli
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?