*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
That’s what I call a flat tire
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move