Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions