JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
A short story about romance.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.