I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
What the hell happened here.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”