Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss