look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.