In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
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vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My plans: 2020:
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
wut hotdog?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.