Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
You Might Also Like
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Perfect.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?