During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
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Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.