The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
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Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The Onion called it…again.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries