[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
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How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm