One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
bad news gang
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.