What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
You Might Also Like
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?