Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.