When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
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Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.