Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
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[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Nice try, poison.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having