Mmmmm white people
– sharks
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I only eat vegetarians.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.