if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
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“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.