What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something