Found a free bandaid at the pool.
You Might Also Like
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about